Unguided Ramblings

I woke up staring in the direction of the window. The sun is up and the glare made it obvious that half the day has passed. I checked my cell phone that guards by me throughout the night. It has been my faithful alarm clock but since it is the ‘holidays’, it is on vacation as well. The time reads 1:15pm.

‘What time did I go to bed last night?’ I asked myself.

Holiday is pretty much defined as ‘a day on which one is exempted from work’. My holidays are based on Dan’s holidays because I do not have work, not officially anyway. Since last weekend was Easter, Dan had Friday, Monday and Tuesday off, which means late nights with no morning disturbances. Recently, I do not seem to be able to go pass 2am. My eyelids start to feel heavy and I start to act like a two years old grouchy kid. I know it is time for bed. So after sleeping for almost 11 hours, why do I wake up feeling numb? Where is that little brewing excitement in me when I actually get to sleep in because I know that I do not have to worry about the day and its schedule?

A few obvious reasons for being upset with myself for sleeping in:

  1. I have wasted half the day. What can I really do in the next 4 hours before the sun goes down?
  2. I am such a lazy arse. How can I sleep in till such a time when I don’t even work?
  3. What am I going to do today? What’s there to look forward to?

As we can see, I am hard on myself once again. The rational part of me knows that my body needed the sleep and that is why it could turn off the power button till rested. However, it is point number three that pokes at me consistently. My day seems the same every day. While many are envious that I do not have to work, I would remind them that the grass on the other field always look greener. I would not say that work is the key to happiness but I would say that it gives an outline to one’s life or something to focus on. A holiday escapade, as a solution to stressful work, is at least something to look forward to. When winter is all cold and gloomy, you appreciate the summer sun and warmth. When you are used to living in high-rise apartments, you appreciate the beauty of low-rise apartments. When you are surrounded by sky scrapers, you look at vast grasslands in awe. When you are busy in life, holidays and time-offs are like having sweet desserts where you savour every bit of it.

Friends are another important aspect of life. I never beg to differ but recently, the sense of loneliness felt greater than before. Quite a number of good friends whom I have made during my stay here have returned to their own countries. After returning from my trip to Singapore, it made me more conscious of the missing puzzles in my life. Making a new friend is like courtship. You meet up with the person once or twice and if the chemistry is there, you continue pursuing this new relationship. However, if the spark is missing, you just have to laissez tomber.

This is just a rambling blog since I don’t feel too well. I need to release my tangled thoughts and unsettled feelings so this is my dumping ground. I probably need to find myself some activities where I find purpose and I find friends. Or maybe just pick up new interests. That shouldn’t be too hard, should it?

A French music video to share:

Lisa LeBlanc: Aujourd’hui, ma vie c’est d’la marde (Today, my life is shit)

 

Signing off with love,

Esther

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2 thoughts on “Unguided Ramblings

  1. *HUG* It’s ok to feel like that. I have days like this too… For now, if you are tired, rest but also make time to recover and to re-energize. You may not realize it but re-energizing is a huge part of getting your mojo back. You will be fine once this phase passes.

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